A famous serial character House MD told us “It’s a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what.” He was absolutely right. It is impossible to find a person who has never lied in the life. Lies can be big or small. There is even such thing as a white lie. This notion is used to describe some false information that is told to soothe a person, and in case, the fact of lying is disclosed, it won’t do big harm. If you say to your unattractive friend that she is quite pretty, what is wrong about that?
You gave some support to a person and raised her self-esteem. But some people believe that we should avoid telling lies by any means. They are against lies because you never know whether you’re just spotting white lies… or something darker. It happens that our closest people lie to us for some reason. You may discover that a girlfriend lied about her past. Of course you feel bad and keep asking yourself “Why?” as everything was going so well. You may be surprised to find out that generally girls lie more than men.
It is in their nature. Very often ladies try to hide unpleasant truth or simply tell something to calm you down. Scientist proved that women are more likely to deceive a polygraph than man could. Maybe the secret is that girls believe in their lies or for them lying is just a simple defense reaction. Women do not possess great physical power, so they had to find other methods to get what they want. However, you suspect that your girlfriend has lied about her past. First of all, that is not the thing to play guesses.
You must know for sure that she gave you fake information. Our blog about dating strongly recommends you not to jump into any conclusions. Open your eyes and see. If she keeps lying to you, it is not difficult to notice. As a matter of fact, lie is a story that is easy to forget. So, if she hides something, she will mess up details and facts after repeating a story for a couple of times. Though, it may happen that your girlfriend is an expert in this matter. Then, on the contrary her story will sound perfect, like a speech of a famous politician or like a role of a good actor. Anyway, be attentive and you will know the truth. If your girlfriend lied about her past, you must understand her reasons of it.
There are two opposite models of behavior. One extreme is when nothing is told at all. The other one is when girls tell everything, even without being asked. In the first case, your woman chooses the strategy of silence. She dreams of a strong relationship, living together, getting married. But on the other hand she is afraid that the man will not understand her. She is scared that he’ll leave her because of her past. In the end, the woman decides to talk less just to be on the safe side. She may even keep quiet about her past totally.
Any bad information about her past seems to be a threat for her relation with a man. As a result, such a woman shares her private emotions with anyone: with colleagues, with friends, with random interlocutors on the Internet, but not with her beloved man. All this causes misunderstanding and leads to a break-up. And by the way, keeping silent about something in the past is a problem not only for women, but also for shy men. The second variant with the excessive frankness is more multifaceted, but it is not less destructive. There are women who tell everything to their man: about her life, about sexual partners, about conflicts with parents.
Some believe that if they are extremely honest, they will grow in the eyes of men on the contrast to other women who could tell half-truths. According to their belief, you will not search for a girl better than your present honest girlfriend! Another reason for the excessive frankness is the desire to speak out. A woman wants to get rid of her emotional oppression, throw out what she regrets for. She mistakenly believes that if she share all this with an understanding man, things will become easier. But her beloved man is not a professional psychologist. With such problems, it is better to consult a specialist.
There are women who want to create a positive image in the eyes of her man, as if they are saying “look how honest I am! If you leave me, you cannot find anyone better than me”. In fact, this is how she tries to tie a man to her, while she is afraid that he might leave her. The second option, if it occurs at the beginning of the relationship, is an attempt to set the things right from the start. She thinks that if her partner leaves her now, she will not be hurt strongly, but if it happens later, she will be emotionally attached to him. Well, there is one more reason for “talks about the past”; it is a desire to revenge.
For example, her ex left her after she told him something about her previous relations. There was an offense, so, the woman is likely to revenge consciously and unconsciously. And as a result, she is too frank with a new lover, trying to hurt him by some facts from her past. She may even exaggerate details and events. Revenge on all the males. It seems weird at the first sight, but that’s human psychology. As you see, there are different reasons for lying in relations. If your girlfriend keeps lying about her past, you must decide what to do about that.
First of all you can ask her to tell everything directly, having promised that it won’t influence your attitude to her and your relations in general. She may be ashamed of something unimportant, in other words she makes it a bigger deal than it really is. If her past burdens her, then it would be better for both of you to discuss it once and for all. Maybe she was bitterly hurt or cheated upon, that’s why she is scared that it may happen again.
Then it is totally up to you to make her confident in your feelings. Make her feel loved and cared! One more point: you have discovered something bad about her past. There are millions of variants. Let’s fancy just a few. She dated with many boys and had quite large number of sexual partners. Now your girl regrets about that. How do you feel about this fact? Most likely, it hurts your pride to know that you are not her first love. Oscar Wilde remarked long ago that “Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things.
What women like is to be a man’s last romance.” He was right, for women, the future is more important than her past. She dreams to live all her life with one man; she tries to forget about her previous negative experience. So, she had many partners, but what about you? Is she your first woman? Probably, the answer is “no”, and it is all right. To be realistic, it is impossible to find girls aged 22-26 without the past.
Everyone has previous experience that has taught you something. You both know what you want from relations, you know what you like in relations. It is really great. After all, past is past, it is all gone. Now, both of you are different people, wiser and more self-confident. Why do you feel jealous when you think about some guy she loved 5 or even 10 years ago?
What else can be bad about her past?
We are not going to look at the worst variants connected with any kind of criminal record, drug or alcohol addiction. These cases are very serious and need careful consideration. We only suggest you to be wise and think well. What if you have seen your girlfriend’s profile at the online dating site? It is a very unpleasant surprise. The first thing to do is to find out whether her profile refers to her past or present. If she just forgot to delete it, that is one thing, but if she keeps using it, that’s another matter. You have the right to know about it.
It is not hard to check. You may ask her directly or be a bit tricky and check her by writing from the fake profile. Sounds terrible as it is, but you wanted to know the truth…don’t you? To summarize, lying is a bad basement for relations, especially if you have discovered the ugly truth. But still, it is only you who has to decide if your relations deserve a second try!
Moreover, some guys date a girl that has a boyfriend. And they are happy.
I’m a certified relationship counselor situated in dazzling New York. With extensive expertise in the field of relationships, I’ve talked to countless couples, including those from diverse cultural backgrounds. I know all the ins and outs of the international dating world and have always wanted to share my insights with a wider audience. That’s why I am here.
I enjoy what you guys are usually up too. This sort of clever work and reporting! Keep up the good works.